MOM VS. Ed (Big Bad Eating Disorder)

 We were able to visit with our girl for 1 hour and 15 minutes Saturday, Sunday and Monday. She had a good few days, so I had a good few days. (Funny how parenting works like that!) She often talks about the people at the program (not by name - but in general terms). She praises their kindness and connection. We were able to bring one of her friends down with us Sunday night. It was fun to see her experience a bit of normal - talking about all the school gossip. :) Gotta be honest, I am scared for Christmas....but it is coming none the less. There is a chance she would be moved to "Level 2" meaning she no longer has to do things like take the elevator instead of the stairs (right now, she's not allowed to walk even one flight of stairs) It would also mean she could get a 2 or 3 hour "pass" for Christmas. We live about 35-40 minutes away from her treatment program, which leaves her actually at home for a very short period of time before we have to bring her back....

  It's 5:30 AM on Saturday morning and I am up. I can't sleep because my heart hurts. Like, I literally feel physical, debilitating pain. I can’t breathe. My arms are empty, and I would give anything to hold my girl. I NEED to hold her. I want to run across town and tell them I quit. Give her back. It’s too hard. I thought I could do it, but I can’t. I CAN’T! By some stroke of luck, Peter and I have these moments on reverse timing. Thank God or we'd both surely be in strait jackets. We’re not even 1 week in. Mid-next week we should have a projected date to bring her home, I need that date. I need that hope, I need an ending -   because right now, it feels unbearable.

A note from our eldest, fraternal girl: "I don’t really know where to start, I’m not one who easily shows/shares her feelings. I tend to keep emotion in. Sometimes I keep it so deep, I can’t find it and that makes life feel easier. When we first began this journey, I felt like it was my job, as the oldest, to stay strong and show that I was brave and not scared about what life was going to be like after my sister went to “cool kid camp.”(as we jokingly called it)   I talk to my friends, and I see tears in their eyes, and they say they’re sorry for me. I tried to continue life like normal, but it’s really hard when someone, one of your best friends, your sister, who’s always willing to get up early to go to Starbucks before school, or who will come in and sit in my room (even when I don’t want her to 😊 ) isn’t here….where she should be. People feel emotion differently. Sometimes people feel as if they need to be strong for others all the time, but also have to stay strong fo...

 Today, I'm weary. I guess grief does that to you. The smallest things feel depleting and just plain hard. At the same time, the arms of our community are our strong-hold. We can literally feel the strength and prayers of those who love us. The gifts and flowers sent to our girl, meals, cards, texts, calls....It's my sincerest hope you know how thankful we are for EACH one of you.   In the spirit of healing, I would like to share a few things we learned in our first parent session. Taking these to heart could make a huge different in the life of someone suffering with an eating disorder.   Avoid criticizing your own weight, shape or size. Honestly, what you look like on the outside is the least interesting thing about you. You are a soul who has a body - let that soul SHINE! Don't label foods as "healthy" or "unhealthy" (often, people with eating disorders will limit their food choices to ONLY "healthy" foods. As t...

 We saw our girl tonight. We got 1 hour and 15 minutes with her. The best way I can describe the setting, is a prison visit. We got a table with 5 chairs in a common area with other patients and their families. What we brought and what we said was monitored. We were not allowed to discuss numbers of any kind, foods we liked or disliked, any other patients/friends/roommates...and many other things. We're learning the ropes. What a strange feeling to be "policed" with your own child. That said....our girl looked GOOD. Her skin is clearing and her face had color. She's learning about how to deal with triggers and keep food in to nourish her. The staff is kind. The patients are truly a community.  We've still got a long way to go, but tonight I left thanking God for this program. In 2 days, she's come farther than she did with 2+ months of outpatient treatment. I believe there is freedom once we've walked this path. We also had our first "parent therapy...

Today was hard, but brighter than the day before. As I shared, yesterday was our 19th wedding anniversary. Today, I couldn't help but reflect on how far we've come from the bright eyed babies we were when we wed. Part of the prayer prayed over us before we were pronounced husband and wife was "Jesus, may Peter and Ali depend on you each day for what comes their way and may they walk together, hand in hand, rooted in your love." Gotta be honest with you...I thought pain was for other people. Our love was strong enough to withstand any storm. Those other couples might have trouble, but we've got this marriage thing in the bag. EASY! Guess what, life's often gonna rock you! We went through infertility.  IVF.  Finally got pregnant - with TRIPLETS.  Laid flat in a hospital bed for 97 days (I won't even share what Peter had to do to help me through that!) Gave birth to 3# preemies. Lost our only source of income in '08 the month the girls turned 1. Didn'...

Words can't describe today. If they could, the closest ones would be hell, broken, shattered and just downright shitty. Our girl knows she needs help, but leaving her alone today, terrified and tear-filled, is something no parent should have to do. EVER. Many are wondering about today...what does the day look like? (I know I was before we survived it) We arrived at 7:30 AM with 3 clear boxes of "pre-approved belongings." A staff member took the belongings and checked and inventoried them. At the same time, they escorted us to a private family room. Over the next 5 hours, we met with the care team. Nurse, dietician, therapist, psychologist, case manager. With each new person we met, we told our story. What does a typical day of eating look like? When did this start? What are your triggers? How many times a day do you purge?  Question after question after question.... At noon it was time for hy husband and me to leave. The staff gave us 10 minutes alone to "say our goo...