Broken

Words can't describe today. If they could, the closest ones would be hell, broken, shattered and just downright shitty. Our girl knows she needs help, but leaving her alone today, terrified and tear-filled, is something no parent should have to do. EVER.

Many are wondering about today...what does the day look like? (I know I was before we survived it)

We arrived at 7:30 AM with 3 clear boxes of "pre-approved belongings." A staff member took the belongings and checked and inventoried them. At the same time, they escorted us to a private family room.

Over the next 5 hours, we met with the care team. Nurse, dietician, therapist, psychologist, case manager. With each new person we met, we told our story. What does a typical day of eating look like? When did this start? What are your triggers? How many times a day do you purge? 

Question after question after question....

At noon it was time for hy husband and me to leave. The staff gave us 10 minutes alone to "say our goodbyes." We were all completely exhausted and emotionally crushed. We held each other and sobbed. Did I really have to let go of my baby girl?

We walked to the door together where we gave hugs and waived goodbye. I turned around to see our girl mouthing "I love you." I mouthed "I love you too."

It took all the strength in the world to make it down the stairs and into the car, where we completely fell apart. I sobbed like I've never sobbed before. I felt so empty.

We finally got home, and it felt so cold. Frigid. Home isn't home without all of our kids. Sitting on our couch alone I felt horrific pain and loneliness. It wasn't right. 

Our other two kids came home from school about 30 minutes after we arrived. They brought some "normal" and joy. Until later that afternoon when we got a call that our girl wasn't "adjusting well" and they asked permission to give her some sedatives. I gave the ok.I wanted to ask, "Can I have some?" LOTS of them? How the HELL am I supposed to do this?

She does not have access to her phone so we went out and bought an old fashioned MP3 player and downloaded her/our favorite songs and her favorite book and Peter hopped back in the car to drive the hour back to drop it at the door. I want to go in and steal her back. Like Super-Mom, I would swing through her window with a rope and take her away with me. You better believe if I didn't think this was 1,000,000% right, I would...but she needs healing that we just can't give her. Peter is sitting outside her window, in his car RIGHT NOW, waiting for her to fall asleep. 

We get to see her Wednesday. It isn't enough. I want to lay with her on the couch and watch our trash tv, which we have a mutual love for.

PLEASE pray for us. It is going to take strength beyond what I think I have to do this. We are broken.


FAQ:

Does she have access to her phone/text messages? No

Does she have roommates? Yes, but we didn't get to see her room or meet them, due to privacy/HIPPA

Can she get cards & care packages? Yes

How often do we get to visit? 3x/week for 1.5 hours + family therapy sessions

Did she get to bring "MFN" (if you know, you know)? Yes, thank God :) 

Are we ok? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO...and also yes. Today was our 19th wedding anniversary. Our family is more solid than we have ever been but we are broken to be dealing with this disease. We have very little energy and are very emotional. Please know, even if we don't return your texts right now, we read them and we feel very loved. Our community is AMAZING! We are so blessed. We love every single one of you.


Comments

  1. Darrin OlmscheidDecember 13, 2023 at 12:31 PM

    Ali, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your entire family. Nothing prepares you for these seasons of life. It's clear she knows the love you all have for her and that will carry her through this time of struggle and learning. You are good, she is good, you've done all you can and will continue to do so no doubt. Your family will only come out of this time stronger!

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