MOM VS. Ed (Big Bad Eating Disorder)

 This morning, we were able to pick our girl up at 9 AM and bring her home for about 40 minutes. (We had to have her back by 11 AM on a 2 hour pass) It felt SO GOOD to have her home... like the missing piece to the puzzle of my aching heart was replaced for a time that was wonderful, but far too short. We also have passes tomorrow and Monday. Being together in a "normal" environment is such a gift.  We've come a long way in the past few weeks.  We've changed. All of us. We still have the same address; same names....but our hearts have grown. We aren't the same people we were before climbing the mountains this year brought. The compassion we have for others, the preciousness of family, the kindness of community, our faith in God's promises are all more meaningful than ever.  Peter and I are both headed back to work next week, which for me feels good and nerve-racking. It will feel glorious to live, at least one foot, in the world I am used to...and at the...

 The year of 2023, for the Jonswold Fam, has been a repeat of the phrase, "You seriously can't make this shit up."  If it wasn't traumatizing, it would be comical.  We've dealt with heartbreaking conflict and dissolution of a fiercely loved community, mono and covid, unexpected death, guardianship, a heart attack, our first (and hopefully last!) ride in an ambulance, a concussion/brain injury, kidney stones, Ed...and this week our sweet Golden Retriever Sailor was mauled by the foster dog of a dear friend of ours and spent the night before Christmas Eve in the emergency vet. Other than a missing ear, our 12 year old champion has fully recovered, but I'll tell you what, It might take me a while longer. Like one of my favorite musicians, Luke Combs says, "When it rains, it pours."  This post is not meant to depress you, but to say, "You aren't alone!" I think often times, we feel like we have to mask our pain and our feelings to the world...

 Well, we didn't quite get the news we hoped for. Our girl isn't able to visit home for Christmas. She has been working her tail off, and she has come SO far, she just hasn't been in the program long enough to have the "tools in her belt" for a pass. We're disappointed, but we understand that is ultimately what is best for her. We do get to take her to church on Christmas Eve...and then, when we drop her back off, we can spend time with her there to give hugs and open gifts together as a family. Initally, we were crushed. For about 12 hours it took the breath out of our lungs...then we changed our pain to a mission. Our girl said to us, "I am here this Christmas this year so that I NEVER have to spend another Christmas away from the people and places I love most. This is the last Christmas I will let this disease steal from me." I believe her. Ed gets no more of our holidays. 💓

 We were able to visit with our girl for 1 hour and 15 minutes Saturday, Sunday and Monday. She had a good few days, so I had a good few days. (Funny how parenting works like that!) She often talks about the people at the program (not by name - but in general terms). She praises their kindness and connection. We were able to bring one of her friends down with us Sunday night. It was fun to see her experience a bit of normal - talking about all the school gossip. :) Gotta be honest, I am scared for Christmas....but it is coming none the less. There is a chance she would be moved to "Level 2" meaning she no longer has to do things like take the elevator instead of the stairs (right now, she's not allowed to walk even one flight of stairs) It would also mean she could get a 2 or 3 hour "pass" for Christmas. We live about 35-40 minutes away from her treatment program, which leaves her actually at home for a very short period of time before we have to bring her back....

  It's 5:30 AM on Saturday morning and I am up. I can't sleep because my heart hurts. Like, I literally feel physical, debilitating pain. I can’t breathe. My arms are empty, and I would give anything to hold my girl. I NEED to hold her. I want to run across town and tell them I quit. Give her back. It’s too hard. I thought I could do it, but I can’t. I CAN’T! By some stroke of luck, Peter and I have these moments on reverse timing. Thank God or we'd both surely be in strait jackets. We’re not even 1 week in. Mid-next week we should have a projected date to bring her home, I need that date. I need that hope, I need an ending -   because right now, it feels unbearable.

A note from our eldest, fraternal girl: "I don’t really know where to start, I’m not one who easily shows/shares her feelings. I tend to keep emotion in. Sometimes I keep it so deep, I can’t find it and that makes life feel easier. When we first began this journey, I felt like it was my job, as the oldest, to stay strong and show that I was brave and not scared about what life was going to be like after my sister went to “cool kid camp.”(as we jokingly called it)   I talk to my friends, and I see tears in their eyes, and they say they’re sorry for me. I tried to continue life like normal, but it’s really hard when someone, one of your best friends, your sister, who’s always willing to get up early to go to Starbucks before school, or who will come in and sit in my room (even when I don’t want her to 😊 ) isn’t here….where she should be. People feel emotion differently. Sometimes people feel as if they need to be strong for others all the time, but also have to stay strong fo...

 Today, I'm weary. I guess grief does that to you. The smallest things feel depleting and just plain hard. At the same time, the arms of our community are our strong-hold. We can literally feel the strength and prayers of those who love us. The gifts and flowers sent to our girl, meals, cards, texts, calls....It's my sincerest hope you know how thankful we are for EACH one of you.   In the spirit of healing, I would like to share a few things we learned in our first parent session. Taking these to heart could make a huge different in the life of someone suffering with an eating disorder.   Avoid criticizing your own weight, shape or size. Honestly, what you look like on the outside is the least interesting thing about you. You are a soul who has a body - let that soul SHINE! Don't label foods as "healthy" or "unhealthy" (often, people with eating disorders will limit their food choices to ONLY "healthy" foods. As t...

 We saw our girl tonight. We got 1 hour and 15 minutes with her. The best way I can describe the setting, is a prison visit. We got a table with 5 chairs in a common area with other patients and their families. What we brought and what we said was monitored. We were not allowed to discuss numbers of any kind, foods we liked or disliked, any other patients/friends/roommates...and many other things. We're learning the ropes. What a strange feeling to be "policed" with your own child. That said....our girl looked GOOD. Her skin is clearing and her face had color. She's learning about how to deal with triggers and keep food in to nourish her. The staff is kind. The patients are truly a community.  We've still got a long way to go, but tonight I left thanking God for this program. In 2 days, she's come farther than she did with 2+ months of outpatient treatment. I believe there is freedom once we've walked this path. We also had our first "parent therapy...

Today was hard, but brighter than the day before. As I shared, yesterday was our 19th wedding anniversary. Today, I couldn't help but reflect on how far we've come from the bright eyed babies we were when we wed. Part of the prayer prayed over us before we were pronounced husband and wife was "Jesus, may Peter and Ali depend on you each day for what comes their way and may they walk together, hand in hand, rooted in your love." Gotta be honest with you...I thought pain was for other people. Our love was strong enough to withstand any storm. Those other couples might have trouble, but we've got this marriage thing in the bag. EASY! Guess what, life's often gonna rock you! We went through infertility.  IVF.  Finally got pregnant - with TRIPLETS.  Laid flat in a hospital bed for 97 days (I won't even share what Peter had to do to help me through that!) Gave birth to 3# preemies. Lost our only source of income in '08 the month the girls turned 1. Didn'...

Words can't describe today. If they could, the closest ones would be hell, broken, shattered and just downright shitty. Our girl knows she needs help, but leaving her alone today, terrified and tear-filled, is something no parent should have to do. EVER. Many are wondering about today...what does the day look like? (I know I was before we survived it) We arrived at 7:30 AM with 3 clear boxes of "pre-approved belongings." A staff member took the belongings and checked and inventoried them. At the same time, they escorted us to a private family room. Over the next 5 hours, we met with the care team. Nurse, dietician, therapist, psychologist, case manager. With each new person we met, we told our story. What does a typical day of eating look like? When did this start? What are your triggers? How many times a day do you purge?  Question after question after question.... At noon it was time for hy husband and me to leave. The staff gave us 10 minutes alone to "say our goo...

I’m mad. It’s Saturday morning, December 9, and I have been up fighting with demons in my head for 2 hours. It’s the early quiet dawn, and I am the only one awake. WRESLING. I have been searching and searching for a podcast for parents in my position. I can’t find anything. At least not anything helpful. I just want to know….. How do you admit your baby to an eating disorder clinic? Over Christmas? How do you leave her there? Like literally, how do you walk away from her without suffering a full mental breakdown? How do you go on pretending your family is whole? Sing Silent Night at Church? How do you open gifts on Christmas morning? Bring in a new year? How do you support your husband in his grief knowing he feels the need to stay so strong? How do you support your other sweet kids who are desperately missing their sister, confused by her disease, broken by their parents hurt, and probably a bit angry at the lack of attention they're getting. AND…. Do all of that with some ...